Fast forward.

There are times when you would just like to live in the moment – for the time to stand still, the clock won’t strike 12.

However, there will really be days that you just want to get it done, get it over with. Just because, no reason at all. You just want for the day to end and then on to the next day.

Sometimes I wonder why I have those kind of days. Shouldn’t I savor every moment? Enjoy every second? Because there’s no guarantee of tomorrow, that’s for sure. But really, there were days where I am just sure of tomorrow, and that it’s going to be another day.

Every today doesn’t happen again the next day, and will never happen again, ever. I know that. There may never be tomorrow at all. Sometimes, I just get so eager to start the next day, be on another day, and maybe, start anew. Not that I didn’t enjoy yesterday, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I get so excited of what’s the next day has to offer, and just wanted to fast forward everything.

Only to feel soon enough, I wish I had just clicked on the pause button.

MEMORY

Taken a year ago today, maybe around the same time, it was also raining. Just right after we had sex, we light up a cigarette, you decided to take out your guitar and strum, asked me to sing but I didn’t and he did instead.

He doesn’t really have a talent in singing, but I find it romantic when someone would sing to you despite the lack of the talent, plus the raining sets up the mood so I just let him. I can no longer recall the songs he sang or hummed, I was just into the moment at that time.

So, why am I posting this? Nothing, really. It’s just nice to relieve a memory where you were happy. When you knew back then everything was okay, everything was fine. When you think nothing could possibly go wrong. When you just want to live at that moment, and wouldn’t want it to end. To me, it was perfect.

I may not have a happy ending with this guy, but I had a fair share of good times with him. You see, it’s not everyday that you get to live like you’re in a fairytale, but at that moment, I felt like I was. These are the types of memory where no matter how extremely bad the things that had happened between you and the person, you would still want to keep this.

I have actually forgotten about this already, but thanks to Facebook, it reminded me of this. It was a happy moment, one of the few that I will never forget anymore. A memory that I will keep, a reminder that there was still good in my unfortunate past with him.

NEW

A lot had happened for the past 7 months, and a lot of things are still happening that, for the most part, are being either out of our control, or I just really find it crazy it’s happening.

For one, the pandemic.
Who would’ve thought that we have not even passed the first quarter of the year yet and we had to be on a total lockdown. What’s new about this? The pandemic itself. The virus. The lockdown. I have not imagined that I will be staying at home for the next 4 months since a lockdown was declared. I have always been going to places, and always have the option to go out. But now, you got no choice, mate. Stay home, or die.

Next, the work from home setup.
Years ago, when I was still working as a communications coach, I had the choice to work from home, and I had just an instance or two of working from home. So, what’s new about this? Nothing, really, but I never liked it. I feel like I’m alone, I feel like I will never get the job done, I feel like I will just sleep the day away. But now, again, I got no choice. Although, I find the light of staying at home by being with my parents more often, that I tend to ignore before. So, I guess that’s what I will consider new.

Last, a budding relationship.
Yep, you read that right. So we are all in this lockdown, got nothing else to do aside from staying at home and do Facebook – which happens to have this dating feature. So yes, I gave in to that. I have never tried any other dating apps aside from what’s on Facebook, so THAT is something new. And yes, I met someone on the app last April, talked about why I’m doing the dating app, so on and so forth. Fast forward to now, we’re still talking. Of course we haven’t met in person yet, because of this pandemic, however, because of this pandemic, I met someone. I don’t know where this will lead us to, we’ll never know. So I guess you have to stay tuned.

SHUT OFF

Yes, it has been a while.

I blocked him on Facebook first (I forgot exactly when, but that was around the time when we broke up) and then on Instagram, deleted all posts/pictures of him (except the ones with my family), then unblocked him (except on Instagram where he is still blocked), added him again on Facebook because I was trying to fix things up with him.

Until..

He blocked me. Yep, you read that right. That, according to him, was because I gave up on him. So I guess he thought it no longer makes any sense that we’re still ‘friends’ on Facebook. Whatever.

And today, I have completely shut him off. Blocked his number, finally! I know it wasn’t a much big of a deal but I feel like it’s a huge step for me to finally and completely move on from him. This, at last, is the start.

FREE

The best thing I learned was to stop fighting for someone who isn’t even afraid of losing me.
I have stopped begging for someone to stay in my life when they didn’t have a second thought of leaving.
I stopped trying sa hard for someone who does not try at all for me.

I was never asking for too much. I was just simply asking the wrong person.

It hurts like hell to walk away but it kill to say through the pain. Now I am setting myself free.

UNREQUITED LOVE.

It took time, yes. It was definitely not smooth sailing.
I was in limbo. I was confused.
It came to a point where I ask myself,
“Is this really worth it?”

When I gave you up, and saw how you acted upon it, you gave me a solid confirmation.
You validated what I have been denying for the longest time.
It was painful.
It was really painful.

It seems like it doesn’t affect you at all. Maybe it does, but I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.
I am just glad that I have escaped from your darkness.
It’s surprising that you being with her now doesn’t bother me anymore.
It’s a relief!

I found my way out of you which I thought I couldn’t.
I can now peacefully sleep at night knowing that I no longer have to put up to all of your shit.
You give proof of all what I thought you are not.
You don’t deserve me and all the love I can give.

It was a great journey, nonetheless.
I truly wish you well.
I know our paths will still cross, and if that happens, I am not to bow my head of shame.
I can still proudly say I loved you, and maybe I always will.
But I will be happier and braver, and will love even More with someone better.

EXCESS BAGGAGE.

There was a time when I can’t imagine my life without you. I can’t picture myself without you. I always see my future with you in it, along with your baggages which I am more than willing to help you carry. My world revolved around you. In me, there is always you. Nobody else, just you.

But for you, yes there is me, and then there’s your baggages. I helped you carry it. That’s what it should be, right? That’s how it’s supposed to be. So, I accepted the fact that it’s not only you and me. There are your kids, your band, your friends. Not just me.

And now, I gave you up. Yes, I gave you up, and you know there’s more than your baggages. You have excess baggages which I will not carry for you. Ever. Go ahead and carry it yourself. If you find someone who can carry your excess baggages, good for you then. But I won’t. I can only do so much.

Now that you have probably settled in the arms of someone who is, I genuinely hope, would gladly be of help to you, I wish you well. I just realized that your absence filled so much brightness in me.

TRUST ISSUES.

Sitting here, wondering what else they lied about.
I ask myself over and over – “What have I done wrong?”
It makes me question myself. Doubt myself. It’s like everything is full of uncertainty. Everything is a question mark.

The worse part about being lied to? I am now filled with hesitations about everything and everyone. I find everything suspicious.

..and the worst part? I might not be able to know the word TRUST anymore.

STRONG LOVE.

How stupid of me, to think that I am the only flower in your garden.

I really did love you, and always will. But you were a chainsmoker, and I was just another pack of cigarettes.

It seems like I have planted my love in a heart that has no sun.

I have always loved rain, but I have never thought I would chase thunderstorms.

I believe I never loved the wrong way, and that I never half-love. I was just half-loved by the wrong person.

Credits to PoemsPorn for some of the excerpt.

You’ll move on, I promise.

Stop seeking for homes in temporary places, places that will always be your downfall. You’re allowed to feel this pain but don’t ever think you are worthless. It was their loss that they lost someone who loved them with every atom of their existence but they chose other things.

Trust me, you are enough in a million ways and more. Allow yourself to feel this pain but don’t dwell in it ripping your head with thoughts that will belittle you.

Talesofmaya via Poems Porn